This Charming Man
by jazztrousers
Summary: A story that maps the course of Shuhei and Kira's relationship, past present and future. Co-written.
1. Don't Walk Away In Silence

"_You don't know? …The one in the middle. Hisagi Shuhei. He's the first in years to receive a squad assignment before his graduation, and they say he's an ultra-promising candidate certain to become a ranked officer in the future….. And by the way, he's failed twice on the entrance exam for this academy. In that sense, my talent might be greater since I passed at the top of the class."_

-Kira Izuru, first year student.

He looked horribly nervous. He was shifting from foot to foot, hands behind his back, gaze aimed at the ground.

"H-Hisagi-senpai?"

"Oh, it's…." The kid never told him his name. Did he? Shuhei couldn't remember. "It's you."

"Yes!" The blonde enthused, pleased that he'd been remembered. "I'm K-Kira. Kira Izuru."

"Oh." Shuhei said again, a reflexive raise of one eyebrow pulled at the freshly-bandaged wounds down the side of his face. This kid couldn't seem to look him in the eye, and it was pissing him off. He was going to be late for class if the little wimp didn't hurry up and spit it out.

"I-I wanted to thank you, Hisagi-senpai. You saved our lives- Abrai-kun, Hinamori-kun and me."

The older boy shrugged. "I didn't do much. Aizen-taicho and Ichimaru-fukutaicho did most of the work."

"B-but you were so brave, and calm, even when you—" Kira stopped himself from pointing out Shuhei's new injury. This wasn't going how he'd wanted it to and he didn't want to make it worse by insulting him. "A-at any rate, I just wanted to say thank you. You're an inspiration to all of us." He bowed deeply; glad to hide his face, glowing with embarrassment.

Shuhei openly sneered at this last statement, another twinge of pain running through the vertical slashes. "Well, you're welcome and all, kid, but I'm not an inspiration to anyone."

Kira straightened and finally looked up into the other's marred face. "Wh-what do you mean, Hisagi-sempai?"

"If you're inspired by me, I'd rethink your goals. Try to be someone who can prevent their friends from being killed, instead of being a useless bystander. Now if you'll excuse me."

Shuhei turned on his heel and continued on his way to class. Kira stood, stunned, watching his retreating back. He hadn't expected him to say that at all. He wondered if this person thought he was a coward, for screaming like a child at those hollows. If his wounds hurt, if he missed his deceased friends. If he blamed himself- which he obviously did, from his outburst.

Kira headed back to his dormitory, wondering if Hisagi-sempai would ever warm up to him. With his blunt mannerisms and plain speech, he'd probably get along better with Abarai-kun. But he could try- he owed this man his life, no matter how modest he might have been. As he headed past the budding almond trees along the path back to his room, he also fleetingly wondered if he'd ever get to work with Ichimaru-fukutaicho in the future. He seemed like an interesting person, too.

_I didn't know what to make of your sudden retreat, Shuhei. I didn't intend to upset you and I didn't want to believe that my idol was so cold. I wanted to go after you, but my feet wouldn't move. I couldn't bear the thought of upsetting you more.. I just sat, staring out the window of my room for the rest of the afternoon, wondering if I would have another chance to make it up to my sempai.. I didn't even notice Renji come back from his remedial kido practice, bandaged up and grumbling, even though I would usually tease him about it._

"_Oi, Kira. You finally decided to stop teasin' me?" Renji asked as he plopped down onto a cushion._

_I blinked out of my daydream and gave a slightly uninterested reply, without even looking over, "Hm? Oh, hello, Abarai-kun. I didn't notice you came back."_

"_So you're just gonna ignore me now? How nice." I could hear Renji scoff as he spoke._

"_Sorry, I'm not ignoring you, I was just daydreaming…." I finally looked over at him with a cocky smile. "I see your training went well."_

_Renji only scoffed again and flopped onto his back to look at the ceiling._

"_I went to talk to Hisagi-sempai today," I mentioned as I turned back to the window, not caring whether Renji was listening or not.._

"_Huh. So that's why you're spacing out so much," Renji snickered._

"_Wh-what's that supposed to mean?" I turned back to Renji, now flushed red. "I-I just wanted to thank him for helping us during that mission!"_

"_Right, whatever. You haven't shut up about him since we came back." Renji kept laughing as he tried to imitate my voice, "'Hisagi-sempai was so brave!' 'Hisagi-sempai was so strong and calm!' Hisagi-sempai this, Hisagi-sempai that. You got some kinda crush or something?" At this, Renji started roaring with laughter._

"_Shut up!" I huffed and turned back to the window, glowing bright red. "Y-you're just ungrateful!"_

_I ignored Renji's laughter and continued staring out the window, not wanting to tell Renji that he was right. I did have a crush on you, Shuhei, and I couldn't get you out of my head._


	2. Diamonds, Deep In The Earth

"Hisagi-senpai—er, Hisagi-san is going to be here any minute! Can't you at least help me clean a little, Abarai-kun?" Kira griped, frantically tipping some dirty dishes into the sink with a loud clatter.

"Alright, alright… Geez, he's only coming over for five seconds to pick you up, it's not like he's going to come and inspect the kitchen or something…" came the irritated reply as Renji reluctantly picked up some empty cartons of instant ramen and tossed them in the trash.

"Do you think he'll be wearing his Gotei 13 shihakusho? Have you seen him wear it yet? I was just thinking how cool he looks when he wears it…"

"Don't you usually lock yourself in the bathroom when you're doing that?" muttered Renji, rolling his eyes as he passed his babbling roommate.

Kira smacked him on the arm, looking outraged and slightly pink in the cheeks. "Abarai-kun!"

There was a brisk knock then at the door, and a low "Kira? It's Hisagi."

Kira then beamed at Renji, mockery instantly forgotten. "He's here! I'll see you later, Abarai-kun!"

Renji nodded with a lopsided smile. "Have fun. And congratulations, by the way. You know I'd come out and celebrate with you, but…" He scratched the back of his neck.

"You need to study. I know."

"Not all of us can just bag ourselves a place in a squad before we graduate. But I'm happy for you." Renji clapped his friend on the shoulder, making him jump slightly. "Go. Have fun with Hisagi-san, and try not to get too drunk."

"Drunk? I don't think Hisagi-san is that kind of person. He's very responsible!"

With that, Kira ran out of the door. Renji laughed, shook his head, and went back to his homework.

* * *

><p>Shuhei held his kohai around the waist as he walked him back to his dormitory. "Come on, Kira. We're almost there."<p>

"Mm… Hisagi-san is so kind, walking me home like this…"

"It's nothing."  
>"I think that was the most sake I've ever drank!" Kira babbled, his speech slurring dangerously as he wobbled.<p>

"It certainly looks that way…"

"Yeah! I had almost four cups! Did you see, Hisagi-san? How much did you drink, Hisagi-san?"

"I… don't quite remember."

Shuhei sighed as he waited for Kira to find his keys. This had been a poor idea. He should have taken the kid out to dinner or something, not to a bar. He was too young, and so sheltered, Shuhei might as well have taken him to a whorehouse…

Eventually Kira let them both into the house. "Sit down, I'll go make you some tea so you can sober up a little… And try not to wake Abarai up, got it?"

Kira nodded and giggled, amusement written all over his pink cheeks. "Drinking when I have class the next morning… I'm so silly!"

"Yup." Shuhei grunted from the kitchen, stirring the tea leaves. "Silly Kira-kun."

Kira almost fell over backwards as he hooted with laughter. Some moments later, Shuhei knelt next to him and half-fed him his tea, feeling guilty at getting the younger man so drunk.

"So… You're graduating in a few weeks, right? Are you excited?"

Kira nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes. I can't wait, and then I can go straight to Squad Four! It's going to be wonderful…" Then for a moment the bright spark in his eyes flickered. "I wish my parents could come to my graduation… I wanted to become a shinigami to make them proud, and they won't even get to see what I worked to accomplish…"

Shuhei had a sudden notion that he should hold Kira. He ignored it, and it soon dissolved. But his mouth began to move without his permission.

"I'll… come. If you want. To your graduation."

Kira stared up at the raven-haired shinigami in disbelief. "You'd… come to see me graduate, Hisagi-san?"

Shuhei shrugged and looked away. "Yeah, sure… I can probably get the day off…"

Silence fell between the two of them for a few minutes as Kira finished his tea with quiet slurps, and Shuhei stared at the floor. When he eventually turned back to look, Kira was still gazing up at him, with those big ice blue eyes, and Shuhei felt his drunk, tingling body lean in forward, to press his mouth against the younger man's lips. Just a peck, for a couple of seconds.

_His lips are so soft… His skin is so warm…. He smells so good…._

When he pulled back he saw that Kira still had his eyes closed, and his face was even more flushed than before. It was then, that Shuhei admitted to himself, that it was too late. There was no hope for him now. About three seconds after that, Kira was flat on his back, with Shuhei's tongue invading his mouth. A hand was working its way inside the top of his uniform. Kira felt like he might burst, with this heavy, muscular weight pinning him to the tatami. He wrapped his arms around Shuhei, and gasped, breaking the kiss.

"Hisagi-san…!"

Shuhei dropped a kiss to Kira's sharp jaw, then attacked his neck and ear with his lips and tongue, sucking, caressing, claiming, plundering. Kira's head rolled helplessly to the side, and he drew in a breath that seemed awfully loud in the dark, silent living room. He felt long, calloused fingers gently pinch a dusky pink nipple, and he stifled a yelp, twitching all over. He craned his neck to look at the face of the man on top of him, but his vision was blocked by tufts of black and a flash of tan. Kira tried to focus his foggy mind, trying desperately to grasp the situation. Hisagi-san was kissing him, and touching him… He tried to sit up a little and spoke once more.

"Hisagi-san…"

He was met with smouldering grey eyes, and was silenced with another stolen kiss, somehow harder, hotter, wetter than before. Kira whimpered into the kiss and tangled his fingers in his senpai's soft charcoal spikes. As he slid his tongue nervously around Shuhei's, he felt cold air on his chest as his uniform was pulled apart. He immediately tried to pull the fabric back together and cover himself, but the shinigami's hands were faster. He pulled Kira's shirt down off his shoulders, and began laying kisses all over his slender torso, sucking a nipple into his mouth, rolling it between his teeth, exploring Kira's navel with his tongue, his hot hands hungrily sweeping all over the young, pale flesh below him. All the blonde student could do was gaze incredulously down at the assault on his senses, and try and slowly inch away from the fiery mouth and restless hands on him as his cock stirred to life, threatening to give him away.

Shuhei was making quick work of Kira's hakama ties, nimbly undressing him with one hand whilst sneaking the other up his thigh. When his warm palm reached the bulge in Kira's loose pants and the fabric started to slip away, Kira tried to sit up again, his head spinning with alcohol and confused lust.

"Wh-why are you…?"

Shuhei briefly glanced up from unashamedly staring at Kira's erection through his underwear, and simply shrugged. "You'll like it."

"But-!"

Kira had no time to say anything else. The warm hair brushing his abdomen and the soft lips around the head of his hard cock muted his speech to a strained yelp in his throat. Shuhei was sucking him, swirling his rough tongue around the younger man's length in drunk, sloppy circles, hot breath tickling his groin. Kira's head dropped back and his fists clenched by his sides, pale, veiny eyelids fluttering open and closed as pleasure engulfed him, baffling his senses. He scraped together enough sense to acknowledge that this situation was indecent, and spoke, stuttering and gasping.

"H-Hisagi-san…. D-don't put your, ahh, mouth… th-there…. I-it's… dirty, you shouldn't…. aah!"

Shuhei just continued to bob his head, softly panting as the blonde's nervous throbbing filled his mouth. He didn't know why he was doing this. He just wanted to. He was hard too, yes, but he had no intention of asking for anything in return. There was just something about Kira when he was drunk, so young-looking and sweet; it bred terrible, dark urges in Shuhei. The other man was squirming underneath him now, babbling ashamedly, urging him to stop yet not meaning a single word of his pleas- until he cried out weakly and ejaculated, shuddering, into Shuhei's mouth.

The raven-haired shinigami leaned back on his heels and took an appraising look at the student before him- flat on his back, dishevelled uniform betraying his nakedness, and blushing crimson. His eyes were huge and wild, dizzy with post-orgasmic haze, but a smile was forming on his thin lips, too.

"Hisagi-san…" He breathed, sounding surprised but happy from Shuhei's ministrations, and reached out limply for him.

Shuhei could only blink rapidly as he licked his lips, the taste of the boy's essence still thick in his mouth, as his stomach turned. What had he done? Kira had probably never even been kissed before. Sweet, shy Kira, his kohai, who admired him so much and idolised him_. I'm the worst_, thought Shuhei as he rose to his feet_. I had no right to… defile him like that_. Kira just looked up at him, frowning in confusion, still naked and holding his arms out for Shuhei.

"I…. I am so sorry, Kira. I shouldn't have done that. Please- let's just forget about it, alright? I'm so sorry… Fuck…"

Seconds later, Shuhei was gone. Kira's arms fell down to his sides with a dull thump.

_After you left I lay there on my living room floor for what felt like hours. I dressed myself again in case Renji woke up, but I barely moved other than that. I couldn't understand why you just left like that. I just wanted you to hold me. I know we were drunk, but… It was the first time I'd done anything like that. It was still special for me, Shuhei._


	3. Burn My Shadow

(IZURU IN SQUAD 3)

_It was when you joined Squad 3 that we began to drift apart. Well, more accurately, you drifted away from me. It was gradual at first, but as time went on, it got more and more obvious that for some reason you just didn't want to be near me. Couldn't look at me, couldn't speak to me. I didn't understand why, but I always assumed it was my fault. I wondered if it was because of my actions that night, so long ago, when I touched you like that. I thought maybe I'd offended or degraded you. I had no idea the truth was much, much worse. And even though I know now it might have cost either of us our lives if you had, I still wish you'd told me. If I could turn back time, and revisit these moments between us in the flesh, instead of just remembering like this, those years where our friendship fizzled out would be the times I revisited over and over again- so I could replay them until I got it right. Even now I don't know what the "right thing" to do would have been, but… I'd try over and over until I made things okay for you. Even if that just meant that you had someone to listen to you, someone to hold you, someone to tell you that it wasn't your fault and that you would eventually recover from it. But I couldn't do anything then, and I still can't now. In some ways I guess it's better that I never knew. It would have killed me to stand by and watch, just as helpless as you were._

"Hey man. You look tired- why don't you come have a drink with me and Renij? Might help you relax a little." Shuhei clapped his younger friend on the shoulder as he passed him in the hallway, taking his sallow complexion and dark eyes to mean that he was overworking himself. Becoming lieutenant was hard work, Shuhei knew that. He probably looked just as tired as Kira did, really. But he couldn't explain the tension that rippled through that shoulder as his hand rested on it.

Kira looked at him then his eyes instantly flicked downward again as he replied in a flat monotone, "Thanks, Hisagi-san, but I have a lot of work to do. Perhaps another time." With that, he shrugged off Shuhei's hand and began to walk away, head down.

Shuhei jogged up behind him insistently, and grabbed his wrist. "Aw, come on, that's what you said last time, and the time before that! We never see you!" He smiled as he gently chided his friend, trying to keep his tone light so as not to belay his underlying worry. Kira twitched and immediately withdrew his hand to his chest, but not before Shuhei spotted a dark red bruise that ran along its underside.

_Rope burn._

"I'm very sorry, but I really can't."

Shuhei stood and watched Kira leave, face distorted in confusion.

"Kira…." He said softly, lost for words. His fellow lieutenant did not reply, or perhaps didn't hear him. He just carried on walking quickly away, fists clenched by his sides.

_I wonder how he got a mark like that_, Shuhei mused. It seemed kind of an unusual training injury, although it was plausible. Maybe he'd gotten experimental with some girl. _That seems unlikely too_. Shuhei went back to work, and soon forgot about the altercation. Tousen-taicho was piling more and more work on him these days, he seemed to always be busy or out of the office. But later that night when Shuhei staggered back to his empty quarters after drinking with Renji and Rangiku, when he laid himself down on the bare futon and closed his eyes, all he could see was a plum-red bruise on a pale wrist, and sad, tired eyes that constantly avoided his.

_When I finally got back to my barracks, I was summoned almost immediately by Ichimaru-taicho. I hoped it was just because I forgot to do a report or there was an emergency patrol or anything else…. But it wasn't. I could tell from the type of grin he had when I walked in. It wasn't gleeful, it hardly ever is… It wasn't teasing like it usually is either. It was completely lecherous. My heart dropped and I began to feel sick, but I bowed just like I always did._

"_Ichimaru-taicho, did you need me for something?"_

_He chuckled, as if he knew, too, that I already knew the answer, "Silly Izuru…. Why else would I call you, hm?"_

_I didn't reply. I just straightened myself up and watched as he pushed his chair out from his desk and leaned back, staring at me with those unnerving eyes and waiting. I knew what he was waiting for, but I hesitated. I knew it would end up being worse for me, but for some reason, I hesitated for a long moment before walking over and kneeling in front of him._

"_Sure took you long enough, Izuru. I thought you were never gonna come over here." He started petting my head as I undid his hakama, not because he was fond of me, but because I was his pet. His loyal dog…._

_I finished undoing his fundoshi and quickly took him into my mouth, trying to concentrate on something else. I'd had enough practice already to know the quickest way to get this over with. I swirled my tongue, took him in to the hilt, and sucked as hard as I could as he pulled my head back and forth. _

_He usually holds my head and forces me to swallow, but this time he got it all over my face. Probably because I hesitated…. He knows I'll stay in the bathroom for a half hour washing my face afterwards, afraid to go out in case I missed some. _

_I stood up, bowed and turned to leave, hoping that was all he was going to do to me. He didn't stop me, but a knock just as I got to the other side of his desk did._

"_Ah, I wonder who that could be…. Come on in," I quickly turned my back to the door and fumbled with some papers on the desk, making myself looked occupied. I don't know who it was or what business they had, I couldn't hear anything over my heart racing. All Ichimaru-taicho did was calmly scoot his chair back under his desk._

"_Now, now, Izuru…. I know you're not this rude. Why don'cha say hi to our guest?" I heard the visitor say something about that not being necessary and I wished I could agree with him, but I had to do what I was told…._

_I slowly turned my head, barely even halfway, hoping with all my being he couldn't see my sullied face through my hair, "Hello… Don't mind me; I'm just looking through some papers…." I have no idea what the squad member's response was, as I quickly turned back to the papers and tuned out the conversation again._

_Once I heard the door close, and I was sure the visitor was gone, I tried to escape to the bathroom again._

"_Izuru, where do you think you're going?" His voice was calm and sounded genuinely curious. Apparently he thought I was foolish to think we were finished._

"_I…. Did you need me for something else, Taicho?" When I turned back to his desk, I saw him sweep the papers I was fumbling with off his desk and tap on the surface with his finger._

"_Get undressed and come back over here."_

"…_.Yes, sir..." I reluctantly walked back to the desk, slowly pulling my shihakusho open on the way. But, I must have been taking too long, because when I got within arm's reach, Ichimaru-taicho pulled me to him and shoved me onto the desk. I managed to catch myself a bit, but I knew I was going to have a bruise on my cheekbone. I also knew that that was the least of my worries. I'd been too hesitant…. _

_As Ichimaru-taicho quickly pulled off the rest of my clothes and bound my hands tightly behind my back, all I did was stare at the wall. I didn't snap back to reality until he put his fingers into my mouth. "You're gonna be good now, right, Izuru?" I only nodded a reply, trying to wet his fingers as best I could. He didn't give me much time before he pulled them out and pushed one into my entrance._

_I bit my lip, doing my best to ignore the uncomfortable feeling. He shortly added a second finger, roughly moving them around, and dragged his nails down my back, entertaining himself with the red marks, perhaps. _

"_Are you ready, Izuru?" I knew there was only one right answer, so I nodded again and braced myself for what was to come. "Hm? I can't hear your head nodding."_

"_Yes, Taicho…. Please… take me…" _

_With my "permission," he chuckled to himself and started pushing his way in. I did my best to keep from yelling, but I must have let some out. Ichimaru-taicho decided he had to gag me as well. It was just so painful…. Yet, as he picked up a steady pace, I could feel myself get hard and I started letting out little moans through my gag. I was disgusted with myself. How could I like something like that? If anyone knew, they would surely think I was filthy, and sickening. They would be ashamed to know me…. That's all I could think about as I lay there, moaning, with tears stinging my eyes. _

_Ichimaru-taicho never even said my name. I wonder if he ever really looked at me…. I was only a plaything for him, so why would he? Sometimes, I wished he would, just once, call my name. Sometimes, I wished I wasn't a plaything…. I just didn't want this to feel so horrible and cold._

_When he started pulling my hips painfully hard into his thrusts, digging his nails in, seemingly enough to draw blood, I knew he was almost finished. And, even though it made me sick to realize, I was too. Once I realized how close I was, it was too hard to ignore his assault on my senses. I wanted to hold back, with the dull hope that he would stop this if he thought I didn't enjoy it at all. But I couldn't. I shook and shuddered through my orgasm, pulling at my restraints, causing them to cut into my wrists. After a while, I felt him finally release inside me._

_He pulled out and loosened the fabric binding my arms, which I soon found out was my fundoshi, breathing hard, but still managing to sound as calm as always. "Izuru, clean up the mess you made all over the floor here, and then do those papers for me, will you?" He redressed himself and waved to me, grinning that horrible grin, as he left me in his office. Still half bound and gagged. _

_I freed my arms and pulled off the gag, which happened to be my obi, quickly in case someone decided to come in again. I cleaned the floor and myself some and all but ran to the bathroom, gathering the rest of my clothes on the way. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror after that, I feel sick and need to hurry to the toilet. Other times I feel nothing._

_But this time, I burst into tears, crumbling to my knees and sobbing for what seemed like hours. I thought of you, Shuhei. About how I couldn't bear to look at you. Or rather, I couldn't bear you looking at me.. About how I couldn't get away from you fast enough when you confronted me. But, I didn't want you to hate me… So I just couldn't tell you the truth…._

_There was nothing you could have done and it would have only hurt you in the end. I'd never be able to live with myself if you were hurt because of me. I could never tell you what Ichimaru-taicho did to me after I became his lieutenant. The rope burns, the bruises, the hickeys…. If you ever saw them or found out what they were from, I would have died from embarrassment. If you found out, what if you thought I was disgusting? I thought I was…. I felt dirty, used…. Just filthy…. What if you lost all your respect for me because you thought I only became a lieutenant because I slept with Ichimaru-taicho? Even though I became a lieutenant legitimately, I knew people thought that…. I knew. And I was so paranoid…. What would I do if they said something? If you found out, Shuhei…. What would you have done? I wouldn't even be able to explain it…. I don't know why I let him do as he pleased with me. Was it because I respected him and didn't want to displease him? Was it because I was afraid to disobey? Was it because I knew I would never have you…? Shuhei, how would things have changed if I knew you felt the same?_


	4. In Repair

Shuhei marched purposefully towards his friend's office, hands clenched in fists by his sides. _I don't care if he says no. I don't care if he tells me to get lost, I just need to see him, see his face, make sure he's alright_. Kurosaki Ichigo had just returned to the world of the living, and the Soul Society was in tatters. Three of its captains had defected- including Shuhei's. But that wasn't what concerned him right now. Because one of them had been Kira's, too, and he knew how Kira bent over backwards to please this man he so admired, time and time again. The betrayal of Ichimaru Gin seemed so much crueller, somehow.

Finally he arrived and knocked on the wooden door. "Kira."

There was no reply from inside, but he felt the less-than-steady thrum of the other's reiatsu from within the office. Shuhei took a deep breath, and entered.

Kira was sitting at his desk, head cushioned on a stack of yellow, stained papers. _Tears. Sake._ He was fast asleep. _He looks so young_, Shuhei mused. He gently cleared his throat, and the blonde lieutenant sat upright in his seat, startled by the small noise.

"Hisagi-san! I'm sorry, I must have—"

"It's fine." Shuhei rested a hand on his hip and gazed appraisingly at his friend. _Go on. Just ask him. He needs this_. "I came to ask if you wanted to come for a drink, but…" he eyed the empty glass bottle on its side, on the floor, next to the desk. "…How about a bite to eat? Might make you feel a bit better." He rounded off with what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

Kira blinked in surprise at the invitation, and for a few seconds looked like he was going to decline. _I'm busy. I have a lot of work to do. Sorry, Hisagi-san._ Just like every time before. But there was something in his dark eyes that looked… beaten. Defeated.

"U-um… Yes." He nodded, voice faltering ever so slightly. "I'd like that."

The raven-haired shinigami was altogether stunned at the ease with which his plan had worked. Maybe Kira really was desperate for a friend right now. Hell, Shuhei was. The betrayal had hurt so many people, in so many ways. It had shaken the very foundations of their beliefs. So, maybe it wasn't such a shock that Kira understood the value of those left behind sticking together.

* * *

><p>Over dinner, Kira was largely silent. Shuhei did his best to keep the conversation flowing, the other just stared down at the table and picked at his bento, nodding every now and again or mumbling, <em>really, oh, I see<em>.

"Renji seems to be a lot better. He thinks he should be able to return to his duties in about a week or so." Shuhei volunteered.

Kira nodded and gingerly nibbled some rice. "That's good. I'm glad Abarai-kun is doing well." His reply was flat and irritatingly similar to all of his previous ones. The older of the two found himself clenching his chopsticks and inwardly getting annoyed._ I'm trying to cheer you up, you miserable bastard. My captain left too, you know. Why don't you show a little courage and hold your head up instead of moping all the fucking time, geez…_

As if he could hear what Shuhei was thinking, the blonde piped up shakily, "Thank you for inviting me over to your barracks, Hisagi-san. It's nice of you to try and cheer me up like this."

His annoyance receded like a gentle wave and suddenly Shuhei felt guilty for having such unkind thoughts towards his friend. _You're here because he's having a hard time, he just isn't covering it up and lying like you are. His whole world just fell apart, and you're expecting him to be entertaining dinner company? You asshole. You're supposed to be there for him no matter what- he's your best friend._

"Y-yeah… Well, I'm your sempai. I've gotta look out for you, and Renji…" He frowned a little as he neared the end of his sentence. "…and… M-Momo…."

At the very mention of her name, Kira's head fell into his hands and his shoulders began to tremble.

"H-Hinamori-kun…."

Immediately the tattooed shinigami reached across the low table to comfort his friend, stroking and squeezing his bicep.

"H-hey, don't get upset, it's not your fault she got hurt! If she were awake, she'd tell you not to blame yourself. It was that traitorous fuck Aizen that put her in the Fourth Division, and it was Ichimaru that lied to you and made you—"

At this, Kira began to sob in earnest. _Stop making it worse, you fucking dolt! You're supposed to be cheering him up, not making him cry!_

Shuhei shuffled round the edge of the kotatsu table and slid an arm around the crying lieutenant's shoulders, speaking softly to him as he sat by his side.

"Hey, it's alright. Nobody blames you. You did the best you could, we all did, but in the end, we were deceived. We couldn't have questioned our orders, we could have died…"

Kira looked up at him, eyes red and streaming, but with venom in his voice.

"It never even occurred to me to question my orders… I'm so pathetic, I just went along with everything he said… Maybe if I wasn't so weak and spineless, he wouldn't have—"

"Stop talking like that." Shuhei tightened his grip around the smaller man. "You're not pathetic and there was nothing you could have done to stop him, even though you're an excellent lieutenant. If you'd tried to stand up to him, he wouldn't have thought twice about killing you, or anyone else that got in his way. You know that."

Kira nodded. "I g-guess…"

A small voice in the back of the brunette's mind whispered, _I'm glad. I'm glad you're still alive, Kira._

"Good. Now quit crying and finish your bento."

* * *

><p>By the time they were done eating, it was dark out. Shuhei decided he'd walk Kira back to his barracks, for no real reason other than he didn't especially like hanging around his own at the moment. The expectant looks from his subordinates, the whispered questions, they were stressing him out in ways he just didn't want to deal with. It was too dark, and too painful. He didn't know if Tousen-taicho was coming back or not. No-one did, and he was nervous of the new-found responsibility that had been foisted onto him. He'd effectively been made acting captain overnight. It was bittersweet, to say the least. And terrifying.<p>

"Hisagi-san… I'm probably going to go and visit Hinamori-kun in Squad 4 tomorrow. You'd be… very welcome to join me. I'm sure she'd appreciate it, too. Maybe…" Kira mumbled this last part, sadness and guilt written throughout his expression.

Shuhei nodded stoically. "Yeah, I'll come. Thanks."

There was silence between them for a few moments, and then, before he could stop himself, before he even knew it had happened, Shuhei was hugging Kira. Squashing that unhappy face into his hard chest, desperately trying to transmit some positive feelings into the smaller man by osmosis, somehow, as if it could seep through his skin and warm his fragile, tired bones.

Kira tensed in his upperclassman's arms momentarily, before relaxing into the embrace, and loosely winding his slender arms around Shuhei's waist.

"….Missed you, buddy." The brunette mumbled against his shoulder.

He felt Kira nod against his collarbone, and then a muffled "I missed you too."

After a few more seconds, they parted awkwardly, and stood, staring away from the other. Shuhei cleared his throat nervously, and muttered a farewell before turning and leaving quickly. But not quickly enough to avoid noticing the pink flush that inexplicably decorated the bridge of Kira's nose and pale cheeks. No matter how hard Shuhei shook his head on his way home, he could not dislodge that image from his mind. Whatever it was that the two shared, it was getting harder and harder to just brush aside.


	5. Until We Bleed

CHAPTER 5- UNTIL WE BLEED

_How do find something that you once lost? How do you rebuild something after it's been shattered?_

_Persistence._

_Stay close, and a bond will grow. No matter what, never leave that person's side._

Shuhei had previously thought that after the betrayal, everything had changed. It was now, after the Winter War was over, that things really felt alien to him. Time waits for no man- things around you change constantly, and if you aren't paying attention, they sneak up on you.

Shuhei wasn't sure when exactly he'd started enjoying running his squad by himself. Or how exactly he'd gotten good at it. Shuhei also didn't know when Renji and Kuchiki-taicho had started getting along so well, and where the mutual respect and semi-friendship between them had stemmed from. It was wonderful to see, and the general sense of relief now that Aizen was safely locked away and that the fighting was over was palpable. Shuhei had never liked violence, or the fear in the air when the War broke out.

Of course, not everything was happiness and laughter. Momo was back in hospital, and Hitsugaya-taicho was a wreck. After the death of Ichimaru Gin, Rangiku seemed quiet and withdrawn, not her usual bubbly, cheerful self. When she smiled, there was a sadness to it. It just made her even more beautiful, in Shuhei's eyes. He'd always found her beautiful. He couldn't remember when he'd stopped wanting to fuck her, though. He used to fantasize about her full, pouting lips all over his body, her heavy round breasts in his hands… Now when he looked at her, it was more like admiring a well-loved painting. She was a good woman- he cared about her.

The Winter War had damaged Shuhei too. Perhaps that was what he saw in Rangiku- a shared pain. He witnessed and committed such horrific, painful acts that day- was it just one day? A week? A lifetime? – in Karakura Town, he knew with a heaviness in his chest that he'd never be the same again. It had aged him. Having to resort to releasing Kazeshini in front of the whole Gotei 13, battling a terrifying monster that had picked him up, squeezed him till he vomited pints of his own blood, tried to eat him, just like the hollow Kensei had saved him from as a child. In that moment, as he'd stared into the approaching cavern of its mouth, much as he hated to admit it, he'd hoped his saviour might come again- to slay the monster, and save his fragile life, to tell him not to cry. Instead, he had been thrown into the side of a building. Not to mention the sight of his ex-captain's hideous hollowification, the dull buzzing of its wings, the way its skull was rendered in twain under the force of Shuhei's zanpakuto. Finally, his last moments with Tousen-taicho, the man he remembered- his captain, not the traitor- before his blood, his insides, the very essence of his being was splattered all over Shuhei as Aizen ended his life, tearing away his dignity.

Since that time, Shuhei was sure he hadn't slept more than a few hours. He'd struggled with insomnia since the betrayal, but with those images permanently burned into his retinas for the rest of his natural life, he found himself in a never-ending wake, day and night merging together indistinguishably, until he was never sure what day it was. His eyes were darker than ever, and he found himself becoming increasingly jumpy and over-alert. The tiniest noise or sudden movement made the scarred man jump out of his skin. It had gotten so bad recently he could swear he was almost becoming _scared of the dark. Pathetic._ Was it the sleep deprivation? The buckets of coffee he consumed while he worked? Or was it just the horrors he had witnessed, always lurking in the peripherals of his exhausted mind? Either way, the only way he could sleep was to drink himself into a stupor, but he soon abandoned that plan of attack, as every time he managed to sleep for more than a few hours, he would inevitably wake up screaming and reaching out for Kazeshini, to combat the gloaming terrors he saw in his nightmares. Sweat would pour off him as his reiatsu spiked and fluctuated ominously, often alarming nearby squad members in the Ninth Division barracks.

It wasn't all bad, though.

Since the re-establishing of communication that week or so after the betrayal, Shuhei had managed to re-build and expand upon his friendship with Kira. They ate together, talked for hours, opening up and pouring their hearts out to the other, and when news of war came, they spent every spare moment they had together, training. Kira had even gotten his senpai to show him his shikai, after many sessions of badgering and pleading.

It was only natural they arrived on the scene in Karakura Town together, that they fought side by side, supported eachother. They just… felt safer in the other's company. _There's nothing wrong with that, right? We're sticking together. Sticking together is what friends do, especially in battle._

But when Shuhei had released Kazeshini, and when he'd been flailing in Akon's death-grip, even though rage and terror had been coursing through him, blood pounding deafeningly in his ears, both times, he still heard it.

_Hisagi-san…_

He heard that voice, calling out to him, clear as day.

_Kira._

Always watching, always those clear, blue eyes, fixed on him. Whispering his name in awe as he watched him fight. Screaming out for him as he was attacked, begging him not to die with his ragged, shaking voice. He could feel Kira's eyes on him every single second from when he unsheathed his sword.

But _why?_

_We're just friends. Best friends. I fought to keep our friendship alive because a friend is a precious thing. Especially when people you thought you could rely on betray you._

_And yeah, I fought to make him smile. Make him laugh. Make sure he ate, and carried him home when he was drunk. I'm his sempai, that's what I'm here for. Besides, nobody likes to see a grown man cry._

_And yeah, I saved his life, back in the Academy. So what? I would have done that for anyone. I saved Renji and Momo too, it's not like I swooped in to rescue him, I was just defending some underclassmen from a hollow. Anyone would have done the same._

_It's only natural that he nags me about overworking myself. Or suggests teas that might help me sleep. Bringing someone your leftovers is just normal if you know they like your cooking and that you're too busy to cook for yourself. He knows I'd just forget and go hungry or eat instant ramen if he didn't._

_So what's bothering me? Why am I trying not to think about him? Surely thinking about something other than the awful things I have seen is a positive thing._

* * *

><p>In the Ninth Division, Shuhei perched on the edge of his desk as he chatted to Kira, who'd dropped in to visit him while on a walk in the pleasant weather they'd been having.<p>

The raven-haired shinigami handed the younger man a steaming cup. "Here. It's that new tea you brought over."

Kira accepted the cup and gazed down into the china, almost smiling. "I'm glad you like it. Has it helped at all?"

"Not really." Shuhei admitted. "But it smells nice." He offered as consolation.

"Oh." Disappointment. "Maybe a different type would work better."

The other chuckled amicably. "That's alright- you've brought me like seven this week already…"

"I just want to help you sleep..." Kira gazed up at the tattooed man before him. "I don't like seeing you so tired all the time..."

"W-well, I appreciate your concern…"

Neither of them said anything for a minute, and they quietly drank their tea, before Kira quietly asked, "Hisagi-san, how do you… feel about me?"

Shuhei stared dumbly at him and asked him to repeat himself.

The blonde started to shakily explain, "It's just… you do so much for me…"

"I do things for lots of people. I like doing it." Came the flat reply.

"But Hinamori-kun was in a worse state than me, I just wondered.. I just thought…. Maybe there was more to it…"

"Stop saying things like that… It sounds weird…" Shuhei desperately didn't want to have this conversation, didn't want to think about these things that his kohai was saying. He'd tried so hard to ignore these feelings for so long, and now this man was just going to point them out like that?

Kira got uncharacteristically bold at his friend's flat denial.

"If I don't mean anything to you, then why did you do those things to me the week before graduated?" He blurted out, fists clenched by his side.

"I don't—"

"Don't you dare say you don't remember! You pinned me down on my living room floor, kissed me, pulled my clothes off, and—and…." He frowned, faltering in his anger to be embarrassed for a fraction of a second. "If you truly don't remember, then how exactly should I feel about it? That was my first kiss, Hisagi-san! That was my first _anything_. And you were so disgusted by it -by me- that you just ran off!"

"That was my first time sucking anyone's cock, you know! There's a reason I just ran off like that, and a reason we never spoke about it until now! So fucking shut up about it, Kira!" Shuhei retorted, blushing as his volume crept up.

"Hisagi-san…"

_That voice_.

"I told you to shut up about it."

"Hisagi-san, please—"

_That voice, calling out to me._

"Stop it!"

At that, Kira's big azure eyes began to brim over as he stared up at the taller shinigami.

_Idiot. You yelled at him_.

"I-I'm sorry… I j-just…"

_Stop him crying. Make him smile._

"Kira…"

Shuhei placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

_Make him laugh. Protect him._

"I was scared, Kira. People run away when they're scared. Please don't ever think I'd be disgusted by you."

_Fight alongside him_.

"What were you scared of, Hisagi-san?"

"My… feelings, or whatever. I was scared of liking you."

_Make sure he's okay._

"And… what about now?"

_Care for him_.

"I'm still scared… But I still like you. More."

_Love him._

A pale fist closed around the material of Shuhei's black uniform, and then he was being kissed. The lightest, airiest, most ethereal kiss he'd ever imagined shimmered over his lips, planted by a thin, sweet mouth. He felt like his very breath was being stolen from him, along with everything else that he'd poured into the smaller man. He brought the hand on Kira's shoulder up to his slender jaw, and kissed back with a gentle pout. They stood, frozen in the awkward, cathartic, heart-shattering kiss for a few seconds, and then drifted apart, both red in the face and inexplicably panting.

"Wh-why… did you do that?" Shuhei breathed, still gently stroking Kira's jaw.

The other gave a tiny smile. "Why did you kiss me, that first time?"

"I dunno…. I just wanted to."

"I wanted to kiss you first, Hisagi-san."

Shuhei smiled at his friend, still breathless and plain amazed. "You can kiss me any time you like… I just want you to be happy…"

"I know…" Kira said bashfully, hiding behind his hair. "And I am. You're the only person who's ever put this much effort into getting to know me, listening to me, making me smile... Having you as a friend is the greatest happiness I've ever known, Hisagi-san…"

"Shuhei. My name is Shuhei."

"O-oh, right. Well… I guess you can call me Izuru as well, then."

"Okay…" Shuhei took a moment to look at the situation, at his hand on the blonde's jaw, on Kira's hand still balled up at his side. The tingling on his lips. "Izuru… Should we really be doing this?"

"I… don't really know… Maybe if we just kiss, but nothing else, it'd be okay."

"Yeah… It's just… friendly. We are friends, some friends kiss. It's okay."

"It's fine."

"Some friends give each other blowjobs, too."

Kira smacked him on the arm. "Shuhei!"

* * *

><p>And so, that is what the two did. Nothing really changed between them, except now when they sat and talked, they'd hold hands. Sometimes they sat in silence and just held each other tightly. They would breathe in the other's scent, touch foreheads, and kiss lightly. When they kissed, they'd hold hands, or sit on them, to keep them from wandering. Nobody was ready for that yet- all either of them knew was that it was a lot easier from then on in.<p>

Shuhei loved the feel of his friend's small, toned frame in his arms. The soft smell of his hair, his skin, like black peach tea and new books. Kira basked in the warm, glowing heat of his sempai's embrace, and gave dry, chaste kisses to those scars he had seen made, bandaged and healed, all those years ago. Both of them separately wondered if this converging of their paths was inevitable- if it really was fate that was moulding their friendship into a relationship. But in the end they both concluded that it wasn't- this relationship had always been there, ever since they'd met. They were just adding the intimacy of touch on top of it, little by little, like the stacking of pebbles. Shuhei knew that eventually the lustful desires of his subconscious would overwhelm him and that he'd want to take Izuru as his lover. Izuru knew one day, when that happened, that he'd be brave enough to let him, and confident enough to enjoy it, too.

But for now, the tattooed shinigami and the shy blonde were satisfied to hold hands under tables, to hug after work, and to kiss goodnight. This had been half a century in the making- there was no rush.


	6. No Choice Of Words Will Break Me

Izuru's back hit the wall of his office with a thud. He didn't hear it, and neither did Shuhei. All either of them could hear was the wet sound of fervent kissing, panting, and the blood roaring in their ears. Shuhei's hands were everywhere, greedy and reckless- pinching a nipple through Izuru's shihakusho, cupping and squeezing his ass – while Izuru's slender fingers tangled in Shuhei's dark hair. The smaller man moaned softly into the kiss as he began to rub his aching erection against the other's firm, muscular thigh—

"Izuru…"

"We're doing it again, aren't we?"

"Yeah…. Sorry…."

Shuhei backed away from the blonde and took some deep breaths, brushing his fingers over the wetness on his lips. Izuru curled in on himself with embarrassment, still up against the wall.

"Shuhei…"

"It's alright. That was my fault too."

"Can I see you later?"

"Of course. But for now we should both cool off and get back to our work."

"Yes…"

Izuru smiled as the tattooed shinigami left his office and then looked back down at the tent he was pitching in his hakama.

_Soon….. maybe_.

Things were getting complicated for the two lieutenants. Shuhei was not at all sure about the idea of sex with another man, and Izuru….. Izuru knew he wouldn't be ready for that until he told Shuhei about Ichimaru. But the very idea made his insides feel cold. He wanted so badly to be honest with this man, but the risks that it posed were astronomical. He'd die if Shuhei was repulsed by him or lost his respect for him. If those hot, soulful kisses dried up because Izuru had let himself be dirtied… _No_. It was the right thing to do. Shuhei had done so much for him, the least the younger man could do was tell him the truth.

"That one looks like a mouse."

"You think so? I think it looks more like a bunch of flowers."

"You do? That's kinda nice—"

"Dead flowers."

"….R-right…"

Cloudgazing on a sunny day with your best friend is just wonderful. The sun-warmed grass under your backs, the bright cerulean sky above you, looking up at fluffy white shapes without a care in the world. The perfect way to while away hours talking and laughing when you have the day off- a rare treat for the pair.

"Shuhei… I want to have sex."

The vice-captain of the Ninth rolled over to face his friend, and chuckled softly. "Here? I dunno… People might see…"

"No! I mean…. I'm ready." Kira mumbled, slightly pink in the face.

The scarred lieutenant was pretty surprised by this admission, although now that he thought about it, it was getting harder and harder for them to keep their hands off eachother. Admittedly the first few times he'd felt the blonde's cock press up against him, hot and throbbing against his leg or stomach, Shuhei had shied away and needed some time to clear his thoughts, but as time went on, he had stopped being so weirded out by it. There was nothing scary about it, really. They were both men- they were both the same, so why should it be strange? Shuhei loved Izuru's warm, tender disposition towards him, his tiny, shy affections… the closer they got, the better it would be. That much he knew.

Izuru knew enough from overhearing Shuhei's mutual bragging sessions with Renji that he'd slept with plenty of girls, but this would be his first time with another man- save for that one drunken blowjob all those years ago. He really hoped Shuhei wouldn't be disgusted by him, by his fully-grown body, the things he enjoyed and craved sexually…

"But, before that… I need to tell you something."

Shuhei nodded. "Sure, what is it?"

"I'm…. not a virgin."

"Uh… That's alright, neither am I…" came the reply, with a nervous chuckle, wondering what the other was getting at.

"N-no… that is, to say…." Izuru stuttered slightly. "I had sex… with Ichimaru-taicho."

Shuhei stared hard at the ground just in front of the blonde, rather than directly at him. "Oh… I see…"

Izuru grabbed the other's hand, forcing himself to look into downcast, slate grey eyes. "It wasn't like that, Shuhei. I didn't want to, I never wanted to, but he…." He couldn't keep up the eye contact any longer. The shame was too crushing. But he had to tell him, and slowly, the whole horrible mess began to pour itself from Izuru's lips. _If I show you my soul, Shuhei, will you understand? Will you accept me?_

"I had admired him since he saved us on that mission, so I didn't hesitate to go and work under him as his lieutenant... And he was never really cruel to me, nor did he ever really hurt me... So I had no reason not to trust him... But, a month or so after I started working under him, he started to ask me strange favours..."

The older man was still staring down, too, tracing the lines of Izuru's upturned palm with a fingertip, not really sure what the other was trying to tell him, only that it was important for him to listen.

"What kind of favours?"

"It wasn't anything that bad at first... Just waking him up or bringing his food to his room... But he started using those opportunities to... touch me... Brushing my hair out of my face, running his fingers down my back and things like that. He kept doing that more and more over time until he eventually just kissed me... I-I was surprised, but I didn't want to upset him, so I let him continue..."

Shuhei's eyes prickled, the sunlight suddenly feeling stifling and harsh. His stomach churned slightly- he was beginning to understand and _holy fuck_ he wished he didn't. It was all falling into place, Izuru's avoiding him, the rope burn, his sadness….

Izuru took a calming breath and chewed his bottom lip before continuing. "Th-that was the first time... the first time we had sex... H-he wasn't that rough, because I didn't struggle... He said it would hurt if I did... He just held me down and told me to be quiet... But it was still painful, and there was no love or warmth like when we..." The blonde finally looked up at Shuhei. "…Like when you touch me…. I'm sure I was just something to pass the time anyway..." His lip quivered and his voice trembled at that last remark.

Shuhei now had both hands around Izuru's clenched fist, slowly nodding and blinking tears back from his eyes. Just squeezing that pale hand and blinking, over and over, his mind swirling. Ichimaru's smirking face flashed in his mind, and his chest tightened painfully. He glanced up at his friend's face, and silently encouraged him to continue.

"After that, he would often call me to his office because he was bored and wanted to…" A single, fat tear rolled down Izuru's cheek, as his eyes brimmed over, "W-wanted to f-fuck me or he wanted me to b-blow him while he did paperwork..." Sniffles broke into full sobs as he spoke, "If I ever refused or struggled, he would threaten to tell people what was going on and say the only reason I became lieutenant was because I was sleeping with him, or he'd tie me up if he was impatient..."

Distressed at his kohai's tears, Shuhei tugged Izuru towards him and hauled the blonde into his lap, cradling him like a child and hugging him tightly. _Please, don't cry. I'm so sorry, Izuru. I'm so sorry. Please let me make it better._ Izuru clung to the back of Shuhei's shikakusho, body wracking with loud, guttural sobs.

"He tried not to leave any visible marks, but I always made up some excuse for them if he did, anyway. I-I know it sounds bad... But I still willingly gave everything for him, no matter what... Until he just left... But, I guess he was just using me, so it doesn't really matter in the end..."

The tattooed shinigami didn't realise he was crying too until he felt his own tears on his face, making his scars prickle. "Izuru… Why didn't you tell me? I wish you'd told me…" His voice was cracking, shaking, broken. _No matter how badly I wanted to protect you, I failed. I couldn't save you from this. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve your affection._

"I'm sorry... Shuhei, I'm sorry... I-I didn't want you to worry a-and I couldn't even explain things myself..."

"Don't be sorry, I'm the one that should be sorry…"

Izuru buried his face in the taller man's shoulder, wetting the black material with his tears, tears that felt like now they'd started, he'd never be able to stem the flow. "I didn't want to lie to you... But, I didn't want you to avoid me or anything either..."

"Why on earth would I avoid you, idiot?"

"I was worried that you'd think I became a lieutenant because I slept with him, or that you'd find it disgusting that I'd slept with another man... I thought of dozens of reasons..."

"No, Izuru, no, I'd never think that…."

"I know that now... But back then... I was so paranoid and angry at myself, I didn't even know what to think sometimes..."

"I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything. I wish I could have helped you. I hate myself for not noticing, for not doing anything..." Shuhei sniffed, throat and eyes burning with guilt and impotent anger.

The blonde sat back in Shuhei's lap to speak to him face to face, voice strong despite his tears. "Don't... I don't think there was anything you could have done... And if you tried to raise your sword against him, I-I probably would have stood against you..." Fresh tears trickled down his face, but he didn't lose his nerve.

"I could have reported him, or just taken you away somewhere... I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that, you don't deserve to be treated like that..." The brunette slid an arm around Izuru's waist, and started wiping streaks of wetness off his face.

Izuru nodded. "I… I know that now. You…" Another breath. "You make me feel like I am worth something, Shuhei. For so long, I didn't think I deserved your kindness. But… now I can accept it, and be more confident, too. So… thank you, Shuhei."

The older shrugged and smiled amicably. "Hey, don't worry about it. That's what you do for the people you love."

Blue eyes sparkled at the last word. "You… love me?"

"W-well, don't get the wrong idea, I love lots of people, and I certainly care about you, eheh…" Shuhei chuckled nervously, trying to backpedal away from his near-confession.

His stumbling words were gently broken off with a tearful, soft kiss. Shuhei didn't need to hate himself. Izuru didn't need to feel disgusting or ashamed. In that moment, they both knew, all they needed was each other.

They'd always had each other, all along.


	7. Hold The Night

"So…"

"…..Yeah."

Shuhei had never done this before. All of his previous sexual exploits had been the result of drunken nights out in the Sereitei and his classmates at the Academy- so having Izuru sit next to him on the edge of his bed in a tshirt and boxer shorts (human clothes are _so_ comfortable to sleep in) felt a little strange. He had specifically invited him over to stay the night, and they'd eaten dinner and played cards until it was quite late, and now it was time for bed.

Clearing his throat, Shuhei prompted, "Well…. Let's go to sleep, then." He himself was wearing a pair of black boxers and a grey vest.

The blonde nodded. "Okay."

Shuhei turned out the light, and they got into bed. For a few moments they both lay on their backs, a few inches of distance between them, until they both simultaneously rolled onto their sides to face the other, both inexplicably smiling from ear to ear.

"Goodnight, Izuru." The dark-haired shinigami whispered and gave the other a soft kiss on the lips. Izuru hesitated for just a second before kissing back, wrapping an arm around Shuhei's lithe torso and pulling him closer. Shuhei placed a hand on the blonde's cheek as he continued to kiss him, lips parting just slightly, so tongues could tentatively meet and slide together. Both men's breaths hitched as the kiss deepened, and their heaving chests pressed together.

Soon they were rolling around on the bed, still clothed in their pyjamas, hands fluttering up and down backs and shoulders and tangling in hair, lips still locked and shyness melting away like ice under a warm sun. Izuru panted into Shuhei's mouth, arms clasped tightly around the other man's back, as the older man slid a hand under his shirt, rubbing a rough-tipped thumb over Izuru's nipple, making him blush and shiver.

After a little while longer, and the pair's shirts had ridden up slightly but were still left on, hot hands exploring smooth, muscular chests, Shuhei broke the kiss and asked,

"Can we turn the lights on? I…" He flushed as well. "I want to see."

Izuru nodded again, and then the room was bathed in soft yellow light once more. Shuhei took the opportunity to slide his vest off over his head, and placed it on the floor next to the bed. The smaller man looked up and down his chest, admiring its tone, the scars, the definition and fine shimmers of sweat, before he felt large hands on his own shirt. He stiffened initially but raised his arms above his head to allow Shuhei to undress him, fighting back shyness. The tattooed shinigami smiled in appreciation of the other- Izuru's skin was pale and soft, like vanilla ice cream, but also hardened and marred with reminders of past battle. They embraced once more, muscle and skin creating delicious friction, all that now separated their bodies was their underwear, which seemed to be getting tighter and more constrictive by the second as the arousal in the room was stifling and hot, despite the cool air outside.

The two lieutenants were now grinding their hips shamelessly together, hard length against length, coaxing little gasps and deep groans from both men as they clung to the last safe boundary of their physical relationship. _This was it. It was really going to happen_. Legs were coaxed apart, boxers were tugged and slid down, and then the boundary was shattered as they both lay side by side, stark naked, drinking the view of eachother in.

Izuru reflexively curled in on himself under the other's scrutiny, bringing his legs up and together to try and hide his straining cock and flushed red belly and chest. Shuhei merely kissed his neck, licking gently at exposed skin, and whispered with hot breath into the blonde's ear.

"It's alright."

An even hotter hand found its way between his legs, and began to slowly stroke the sensitive flesh. Izuru whimpered and involuntarily bucked his hips into Shuhei's hand, needing more instantly. He reached for the brunette's length as well, and nervously wrapped his hand around it. Shuhei bit his lip and furrowed his brow appreciatively, lost in Izuru's tentative ministrations.

They lay side by side, quickly stroking and tugging eachother's eager hard-ons, for an indefinable amount of time, until Izuru found himself gasping a little too loudly, grinding against Shuhei's hand a little too insistently. He wouldn't have minded spilling into Shuhei's hand and onto his own stomach, but he wanted to go all the way- he wanted to be taken and _fucked_. Izuru, with much reluctance, pulled his hand away from Shuhei's cock and whispered breathily- more to the ceiling than to the other,

"Shuhei… Let's do it. I'm ready."

The brunette simply nodded in response, gave Izuru a quick peck on the lips, and stood up, padding unashamedly naked to the bathroom, and returning with some hand lotion.

"Will this be alright?" He asked, waving the bottle.

The blonde nodded, blushing slightly, and reached out for his friend once more. Shuhei knelt between Izuru's thighs, and pumped some lotion into his hand, taking in the sight before him as he coated his fingers in the cream. Izuru really was beautiful, especially flat on his back, naked and a little flustered. Setting the cream aside, Shuhei wondered why it'd never occurred to him before.

After a short whispered conversation, mainly consisting of "are you sure?" and "yes, I'll be fine", Izuru's eyes fluttered closed as he felt a long, slender digit slip inside his entrance. He shivered and bit his lip, trying not to push wantonly back against Shuhei's hand. Shuhei curled his finger, flexing it back and forth against Izuru's gripping, spasming inner walls, and then slowly added another, sliding easily in with the slick of the lotion. Izuru let out a full moan, a lustful sound that seemed to emanate from deep within his heaving chest, and couldn't help but buck his hips. He felt incredible, prickling heat all over his body, and Shuhei's probing fingers were driving him wild. His pleasure at the hands of the older man was building and building, but it still wasn't enough. Taking the initiative once more, surprised at his own boldness, he sat up slightly and gripped Shuhei's now painfully hard cock.

"Please…" he gasped.

Shuhei gave a sharp smirk, and gingerly withdrew his fingers, more than ready to fuck Izuru, and was thrilled at the permission. He smeared the remaining lube on his fingers and palms up and down his erection, and positioned himself against Izuru, skin starting to prickle in a nervous sweat. Slowly, one hand on the blonde's chest, the other at the base of his cock, he sheathed himself inside the other man, breath coming in short, sudden gasps. It felt so hot, so painfully good, Izuru squeezing so tightly around every inch of him… He snapped out of his reverie, keeping his hips still and looking down at the other, who was smiling softly.

"You okay, Izuru?"

"Yes…" Shuhei felt a soft kiss being placed on his cheek, over his scars. "You feel wonderful…."

Shuhei began rocking against Izuru, long, pale legs twined around thrusting hips, the smaller man pushing back against the deep but gentle thrusts, moaning blissfully and writhing beneath Shuhei. The sensation of _sex_, not abuse, was overpowering. Izuru embraced the feeling of Shuhei's hard cock buried inside of him, stretching and filling him utterly, every now and again teasingly rubbing against his prostate, sending every nerve wild with pleasure. Izuru dug his nails into Shuhei's back, clinging to the man on top of him, kissing and licking a tanned shoulder. The two whispered softly to eachother between grunts of ecstasy, asking and giving, _yes, like that, there, is that good?, yes, it feels so good, Shuhei, Shuhei, oh, Izuru, yes…._

The two galloped toward climax, Izuru's back arching off the bed, pressing up against Shuhei, who was hunched over double as he drove into his lover, eyes burning with passion and lust. The head of the brunette's cock was now raking over Izuru's sweet spot almost constantly, the pressure almost too much. Izuru began to spasm and twitch helplessly, whimpering and digging his heels into Shuhei's back, and gave urgent, broken whispers of his need to cum. Shuhei was right there with him, the inner muscles of the blonde's passage were gripping him so needily, he could barely hold on much longer himself. Soon, they were both orgasming, white heat rippling and shooting through their bodies, and at the last second before oblivion, Izuru dimly noted that he'd managed to climax without even having his cock touched, apart from a few teasing bumps against Shuhei's abdomen.

_I didn't know it could be like this._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"So… was it okay?"

The scarred shinigami shrugged. "Eh. It was pretty average. Five out of ten."

There was a beat of silence, and then the two lieutenants burst into tired laughter against the headboard, slumped over eachother.

"I'm kidding. It was great, you know it was." Shuhei gave a lazy kiss to Izuru's sweat-damp cheek, mind still swirling from their intense sex, but also… something else.

_What is this feeling?_

"I… really liked it too." A shy smile. "I could never be unhappy when I'm that close to you."

_This feeling… is falling in love. I think we're in love._

"Can't get much closer than that."

Less than half an hour later, the pair were sound asleep, still naked and drenched in sweat and sex, curled around each other like twins in the womb- warm and close.

Shuhei slept for a total of twelve solid hours. He did not have any nightmares.

Izuru slept fitfully as always, but woke with a smile on his face, even before he brushed his hair out of his eyes to gaze wistfully at the sleeping body next to him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_That night was one of the best nights of my life, Izuru. Remember how nervous we both were? Now you're so bold when we fuck, yelling at me to do you harder and pulling my hair, screaming my name… That first time seems like forever ago—It's hard to believe since then it's been ten whole years. _

_Time seems to pass me by these days. We've both changed a lot, but we've changed together, and helped the other grow. I'll always be grateful to you, and I'll always help you, whenever you need it, even though you're so brave and strong. These days I get to wake up to your smiling face every single morning, and I know it sounds vain, but I love to think that you're smiling for me. All I ever wanted was to see you happy- it took me such a long time to realise that_ _I didn't need to bring you that happiness myself; I just had to wait until you could find it within yourself and set it free._

_I feel like I love you a little more each day- although lately, with our wedding coming up, you've been a little snappy due to the stress of organising everything by yourself, on top of having recently been made taicho of Squad 3, too- only two years after my own captaincy! Catching up to sempai, finally? -I know you don't want my help, and that you don't need it either. But it's still here, like money in a safe. Waiting for you, for when you do need it. _

_Just like my love for you. It just grows and grows over time, there's enough of it to last us both the rest of our lives._

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OMAKE: Songs and lyrics used.

This Charming Man- The Smiths

Atmosphere- Joy Division

Yellowcake- Kaki King

Burn My Shadow- Unkle

In Repair- Our Lady Peace

Until We Bleed- Kleerup & Lykke Li

Will Do- TV On The Radio

Hold The Night- Lyre Le Temps


End file.
